It's all coming back to me now
by NightingaleTear
Summary: What will happen with Will and Deanna's relationship after the transporter twin accident? Set right after Second Chances.


Summary: What will happen with Will and Deanna's relationship after the transporter twin accident? Set right after Second Chances.

Author's Note: I guess I have to call this a Song-Fic (song is "It's all coming back to me now" by Celine Dion), but the song lyrics don't play a major role, so I think you can enjoy this even if you don't like Song-Fics. But you should like the whole Imzadi romance stuff because that's what this story is all about.

Disclaimer: Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended.

**It's all coming back to me now**

Deanna stood absolutely still for a second, trying to get the feelings inside of her under control. Will – or Thomas, as she had to call him now – had just left his quarters, had left her. This wasn't really new to her and she hadn't thought it would hurt that much. But she couldn't give into her pain right now. She wasn't alone. Will was with her – the real one. Deanna felt his eyes on her and finally forced herself to look up.

Will smiled and reached for her hand.

Deanna sighed. It was hard to look at him right now and even harder to touch him. But there was no point in rejecting him. So she tried to go for a smile herself and took his arm. Together they left the empty quarters and walked through the corridors. They were silent for a while. There was nothing for Deanna to say.

"Are you alright?" Will finally asked her, obviously just to say _something_.

"I'd love to say 'yes', but…," Deanna trailed off. There was no need to complete her sentence.

Will just nodded as if he understood. Obviously, he was at a loss for words or just intended to give her space. Either way, she appreciated it. When they reached her quarters, Deanna let go of his arm. "Thanks for accompanying me," she said because it was polite to do so.

Will nodded. "Anytime."

Deanna turned around and entered her quarters. She felt relieved when the doors closed behind her. But at the same time she realized how terribly alone she was – again. She had been through this before and you'd think the second time couldn't be as hard as the first. But it still was a hell of a pain.

There were just too big feelings involved. She had experienced the full power of their Imzadi bond in that one night with Thomas and now she was again forced to be satisfied with its mere existence. Deanna sat down on the couch, and although she didn't want to, she remembered the first time it happened…

**There were Nights when the Wind was so cold**

**That my Body froze in Bed**

**If I just listened to it**

**Right outside the Window**

The twenty-three year old Deanna had sat in her room back then just as she did now. It seemed ages ago, but still like yesterday. She had just been in the museum to say goodbye to Will. It had torn her heart apart. It shouldn't have ended like that.

But obviously fate hadn't been on their side. First, her mother had snapped and forced Deanna to end her "relationship" with Will, which, being as young as she was, she had actually done. Thinking back to that moment when Will had stood in front of the Troi manor and been utterly surprised by Deanna's rejection towards him, Deanna was surprised that she had actually managed to send him away.

It had been so shortly after their five amazing days and even more incredible nights in the Jalara Jungle during which they had become Imzadi. But in spite of all these experiences, she had sent Will away and he, being young and confused, had gotten drunk and ended up in bed with Wendy Rooper.

Perhaps Deanna would have never known about that, but in the same night she had suddenly realized that it was about time to stand up to her mother, to tell her that she was an adult and wanted to make her own decisions. It was the worst fight they had ever had. But it had opened up her mother's eyes towards Deanna's needs. Unfortunately, after leaving the house to look for Will and tell him that she had changed her mind and wanted to be with him, she had caught him with another woman, which had led to an ugly fight between them.

Still, that wasn't so much the point. Deanna was quite sure they could have sorted that out. Although she had been terribly hurt and unsure whether Will was really in love with her after all, the real problem had been that he had to leave to serve on the _Potemkin_. And from that moment on Deanna had stood between Will and his career and young, ambitious Will had decided to focus on the latter. For quite some time Deanna had still tried to ignore the feeling of losing him. She had still hoped for Risa, where they wanted to meet again six weeks later. How well Deanna still remembered that day.

**There were ****Days when the Sun was so cruel  
>That all the Tears turned to Dust<br>And I just knew my Eyes were  
>Drying up Forever<strong>

She had indeed cried a thousand tears at least before the flow had finally subsided. Ever since her arrival, Deanna had been waiting, thinking that something had kept Will – until his message had reached her. As some part of her had known already, he had excused himself because he had earned himself a promotion and couldn't leave if he wanted to achieve his goal of making Captain by the age of 35. Deanna had tried to accept his decision and not to break down and cry. But when she had sat in the hotel bedroom that should have been theirs, it was no good.

She didn't cry so much because she was alone that night, but because his message was the final and unmistakable sign that she had indeed lost Will. In a matter of days she had found her Imzadi and in a matter of weeks she had lost him again. Of course, she wouldn't really lose him because their bond would live forever and Deanna knew she would always love Will. But that wasn't very comforting if she couldn't be with him.

Since that cold and lonely night, Deanna hated Risa.

Back in the presence, Deanna sighed. It was slightly ironic that for eight years now her heart was stuck with the same man. He had been the first man she had ever been intimate with. He had been the first man she had ever loved. And though almost nine years had gone by, she still had never felt so close to anybody else and she still loved him with all her heart.

Therefore, she had been more than willing to start a relationship with Will's doppelganger who had never made the decision to leave her – at least not yet. Deanna should have known that all her "relationships" with Will, or his twin for that matter, rather ended up being short affairs and she should have known that he would leave her just as Will had done. God, Will, the real one, had actually warned her that this would probably happen. This wasn't ironic, this was pathetic.

Deanna shook her head. She had to get these thoughts out of her head and she needed to relax somehow. So she decided to take a shower and enjoyed the feeling of the hot water running down her body. Unfortunately, it reminded her of the Jalaran Falls on Betazed and she was right back where she'd started. The positive memories were just too strong. Deanna would never be able to hate Will or to forget what had once been. Those five days in the Jalara Jungle on Betazed, alone with Will, had been the happiest of her entire life.

**There were Moments of ****Gold  
>And there were Flashes of Light<strong>

**There were Nights of endless Pleasure  
>It was more than any Laws allow<strong>

Deanna ended her shower and put on her bathrobe. She had barely finished with that when she heard her door chime. She froze when she sensed him. Right now, he was the last person on this ship she wanted to see or talk to and she'd thought that he knew and accepted that. Deanna was confused and perhaps even a little annoyed that Will had come back now, but she couldn't sense any purpose. Her ability to read him was obviously impaired by her emotional turmoil.

The door chimed again. Deanna sighed. It made no sense to pretend that she wasn't there and after all, it wasn't Will's fault that his transporter twin had shown up and that Deanna had been stupid enough to let her feelings run free with him. So Deanna tightened her bathrobe and stepped into the living room, ordering the computer to open the door.

Will entered and looked apologetic when he saw that Deanna was in her bathrobe and had still wet hair. "Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you."

Deanna smiled weakly. "It's alright. Is there something I can do for you?"

"Actually," Will said, "I came to ask what I can do for you."

Deanna sighed. She had been afraid of this. Now that Will stood right in front of her, she could sense how much it bothered him to see her hurting like this. It had always been like that between them – ever since they had become close friends again while serving together aboard the _Enterprise_. If one of them had been hurting, the other had always been there to comfort him. But right now under the special circumstances Deanna couldn't take that comfort from him.

"No offense, Will, but help from you is about the last thing I can use right now," she replied.

She could see him wince and much worse, she could _feel_ how her words hurt him. But she couldn't help that right now. For once, she had to think of herself instead of others.

"I'm so sorry, Deanna," Will whispered now. He reached out for her with his hand, but then thought better of it. "I understand that you don't want to see me right now, but I just feel like I have to help you somehow, like it's my fault…"

"It's not your fault, Will," Deanna interrupted him quickly. "It was Thomas' decision not yours. I think you of all people should know best that you two are not the same person anymore. So… please, I just need to be alone right now."

She threw him the most pleading look she could manage right now.

Deanna could feel how it tore Will apart. He didn't want to defy her wishes, but he didn't want to leave her either. "Alright," he finally conceded, "but as soon as you feel that you can… stand being around me again, please…"

Deanna gave him a curt nod and dropped onto the couch after the doors had closed shut again. Once more she was overwhelmed by this bone-crushing loneliness and a weak part of her wished she had allowed Will to stay. But Deanna knew it was better this way. Even though she herself had just told Will that he and Thomas were two different individuals, she couldn't actually separate them right now. And it didn't really matter. She was hurting again and although he was still her Imzadi – he always would be – she couldn't be close to him right now.

**There were Hours that just went on for Days  
>When alone at last we'd count up all the Chances<br>That were lost to us Forever**

Deanna lost track of time. But it didn't really matter to her, anyway. She got up in the mornings, performed her duties and then went back to bed at night. And over the course of these uneventful days, the pain in her heart subsided to a dull ache that would at some point be silenced as well – as Deanna knew from experience. But the scars would remain and so she kept her distance from Will – at least emotionally. It was a simple means of self-preservation. It hurt her, but she knew the alternative would cause her even greater pain.

According to Deanna's chronometer, two weeks had passed when Will practically assailed her empathic senses again. So far he had quietly, albeit grudgingly, accepted the cold distance between them. But now he stood right in front of her door and his emotions were in turmoil. Deanna winced when her mental shields failed to protect her from the intensity of Will's emotions. She was still too weak and he was still too great a part of her. She simply couldn't shut him out completely.

"Deanna, I know you're in there. Please, I have to talk to you!" she heard him say through the closed doors.

Since she could feel his determination, Deanna knew he would simply use his override code if she kept ignoring him. She sighed and told the computer to open the doors.

Will entered. He looked livid. But when the doors hissed shut behind him and his eyes fell on Deanna, his gaze softened. "Sorry for barging in like this," he said with a lopsided grin.

Deanna remained silent and Will started pacing up and down. "I know you said you needed time and I fully intended to give you that time, but… I can't stand it anymore! I can't stand this distance between us, Deanna!" Now it was his turn to look pleadingly at her.

And it was Deanna's turn to feel torn. The mere look in Will's eyes practically caused her to melt away. But still she struggled to prevent it. She had to be stronger this time, smarter, she had to protect herself. "I'm sorry, Will," she whispered.

He stopped his pacing and came to sit next to her. The warmth that radiated from him seemed to burn Deanna right away. "No, I can't let that happen," he said. "Everything that once was between us – destroyed because of a stupid transporter accident!"

Deanna shook her head. "It's not destroyed, Will. It can never be destroyed, altered or ended in any other way, but… I took all that I can take, all that I'm willing to take."

Will reached for her hand. She tried to pull back, but he didn't let her. Instead he secured her hand between both of his. "I don't want you to get hurt, Deanna. I will do everything I can to protect you."

"But can you protect me from myself, Will?" Deanna asked quietly and looked away.

"What? I don't understand."

Deanna sighed. "I can't resist you. If this encounter with Thomas proved anything, then that I am just too willing to give into my heart's desires. After all these years of serving with you as friends, a transporter twin of you comes along and I immediately start a relationship with him, never mind that you yourself warned me of the outcome. So this is where I end up again. I am too weak for my own good."

"So what? You'll stay away from me from now on?" Will's gaze was both infuriated and terrified.

"I… don't know," Deanna replied truthfully. She honestly didn't know what she was supposed to do. Her brain told her she should let go of him, but her heart protested at the thought of not being around her Imzadi anymore…

"Please don't do this to us, Deanna," Will said and released her hand, but only to take her face in his hands instead. "Give me another chance. Give us another chance!"

"What?" Deanna was too weak to move or free herself of his touch – his incredibly gentle touch.

"Seeing you with Thomas… seeing the love in your eyes… I started to wish our places were reversed – mine and Thomas'. I actually envied him for the chance to be with you and make the right decision though I knew he would screw it up just as I had done. Seeing you with Thomas made me realise what an idiot I have been to ever let you go."

Deanna's eyes widened in shock. "No, Will, don't do this…"

"I have to, Deanna!" Will interrupted her, however. "I've wasted so much time already. I was too young back then, too young to understand what really matters. But I'm wiser now. I don't care about becoming a Starfleet Captain by the age of 35 anymore. You know that I have turned down that opportunity a few years ago. And I know now that what I really can't be without is you."

"No," Deanna shook her head.

"I love you, Deanna!"

"NO!" She stood up now and just to be safe, took a few more steps away from him. "You can't just waltz in here like this and tell me you've had an epiphany and expect me to just accept you right back with open arms!"

Will stared at her. "But… Imzadi…"

"Don't call me that!" Deanna shouted and the tears started running down her cheeks. Sobs broke free of her chest and she began to tremble.

But next Will's strong arms were around her and he held her close to his chest, rocking her gently and caressing her hair. Deanna continued crying and drenching his uniform with her tears until they finally dried and her body stopped shaking. But she didn't move and neither did Will.

He merely placed a kiss on her forehead and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Deanna. I never wanted to hurt you. But obviously, I'm still the same selfish idiot I was back then. I… if you want me to leave, I understand."

**But when you Touch me like this  
>And you Hold me like that<br>I just have to Admit  
>That it's all coming back to me<strong>

Deanna felt as if she were made out of glass. She was right where she belonged – in the arms of her Imzadi. But if he would just squeeze too hard, she would shatter into a thousand pieces and then no one would be able to put her back together.

"I don't want you to leave," she still whispered into Will's shoulder.

"Good, because I don't want to leave either," he replied.

Yes, Deanna could sense that. She was not just physically close to him right now, his emotions were lying in the open right in front of her as well. He was afraid of being sent away; he was sorry for all the pain he had caused her; he hated himself for it; but he enjoyed holding her and yearned for more…

And Deanna couldn't resist. She opened up to him, took his emotions in and felt the bond they shared, which was ready to melt them into one again if they allowed it. But how could she? Sadly, Deanna disentangled herself from Will and stepped back a little to look at him. "How is it supposed to work out, Will?" she asked.

Will hastily closed the distance she had created between them and took her hands into his own again. "It's going to work out, Deanna. We are meant to be together, you know that! Back then I was just too dumb to see it. But ever since we've met again aboard the _Enterprise,_ I began to realize that you are the only woman I want to be with."

"Why did you still sleep with so many other women, then?" Deanna couldn't keep herself from asking.

"That was never serious. It was never like it has been with you," Will assured her, however. "And I knew that. I just thought… I was waiting for the right time and place to pick up where we left off. But I know now that the right time would have been years ago."

Deanna sighed and felt her defences waver. "When I realised all those years ago on Risa that I had lost you, I felt that you had taken a part of me with you, that our Imzadi bond would linger on because Imzadi is forever, but that its promise would never be fulfilled and I would never feel like this for any other man again. I accepted that, but I couldn't accept that I had lost you. I don't know how often I looked at the stars and wondered where you were and whether you were… thinking of me…" Deanna trailed off. She had never confessed these feelings to Will and she didn't really know why she did now.

At first, he looked stunned and she could feel his pain very clearly. But then he gently caressed her cheek. "I was thinking of you. Believe me, the decision not to come to Risa… I don't want to defend it, by no means, but it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. And I was thinking of you at every step along the way, wondering whether you would be happy with someone else, which I hoped for and at the same time was afraid of, and whether you would ever forgive me."

Will looked at her intently. "Will you forgive me, Deanna? Can you please forgive what I have done to you?"

**I****f you Forgive me all this  
>If I Forgive you all that<br>We Forgive and Forget  
>And it's all coming back to me<strong>

Deanna looked into his eyes and through them right into his soul. Everything lay in the open between them. Even if he could have, Will wasn't holding anything back. She could feel the intensity of his love for her. It had always been there, really, but they had both tried to suppress it, thinking it would be the most sensible thing to do.

But now Deanna felt that the only sensible thing for them was to be together. That was what their Imzadi bond called for, what it demanded really, and she didn't want to fight it any longer. She actually never had. She had just been afraid. But now that Will had confessed his innermost feelings to her, Deanna knew that he wasn't the same young and overly ambitious man he once had been. He was determined to rather die than hurt her ever again. And Deanna trusted him. She always had, really.

"There's nothing to forgive," she said. "No more dwelling on the past. What we have is the here and now and maybe we are finally ready to enter the future together as we should, Imzadi."

Will's relief and happiness would have been apparent even without her empathic abilities. "I am ready," he said. "I love you, Deanna, more than I can say. Always have and always will."

"Imzadi is forever," Deanna whispered and smiled. "And you know there's no more need for words."

Will pulled her close and finally their lips met in a firework of emotions. And their kiss reignited the bond between them and both of them felt how they melted into one once more, one simple word connecting their hearts and souls – Imzadi.

**If you Want me like this  
>And if you Need me like that<br>It was Lost long ago  
>But it's all coming back to me now<strong>


End file.
